Parents Make Mistakes, But Here’s What Matters

We all have a memory of our parenting that feels deeply yucky - a memory where we flipped our lid, dropped the ball, cried over spilled milk, or any other metaphor expressing how our kids could see that we were not OK. No matter your parenting style or beliefs, we all have a moment where we felt deep shame or guilt on how we handled a situation.

First, I’m going to tell you a bit about why it’s OK to mess up as a parent, and then how we can use those moments to strengthen our relationship with our kids and ourselves.

Making mistakes as a parent is inescapable because parents are human and humans make mistakes. It’s not the mistakes that matter so much, it’s how you repair with your kiddo. I encourage people to take as much accountability as they can in all safe, emotionally intimate relationships.

Your kiddo doesn’t need you to be perfect, but they need you to not blame them for your anger or your errors. You may not have explicitly done that, but it’s often implied when we mess up and don’t repair the tough moment. That might sound like, “Hey kiddo - I’m sorry. I was loud and that was probably scary, but it’s not your fault I over-reacted. I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that.”

We don’t need to add the caveat that if they hadn’t left their shoes in the middle of the room, we wouldn’t have yelled. As much as setting boundaries with kids is a part of parenting, these moments are better served to teach kids what accountability and apologizing looks like. You didn’t model an appropriate reaction, but you can model an appropriate response.

Relationships include what we call ruptures - moments where it’s obvious we’re not OK with each other - but it’s a parent’s responsibility to facilitate the repair. Just like a patch to repair a hole in your pants, skilful repairing makes relationships stronger and leads to more confident kids who will seek out healthy relationships.

It teaches parents and kids self-compassion by preventing the internalization of shame (“they’re angry/upset and I’m the cause”), as well as demonstrating appropriate boundaries and emotional maturity. That helps kids grow into adults who choose relationships where both people show up with self-awareness and mutual respect.

Parents tend to over-estimate their children’s ability to both regulate their emotions and execute instructions, especially - but not exclusively - in younger kids. This frequently leads to frustrations in families where we express upset without kiddos, but haven’t actually taken a step back to question For example, if your kid gets upset while you’re trying to hustle them out the door, which upsets you, which makes everything harder… it’s possible you haven’t taken a beat.