Boundaries and Connection: The Two Hands of Parenting

At some point in the 20th century, maybe the 90s, a demonstration of intentional, skillful parenting was the importance of “talking with your kids.” Many of our parents had experience with corporal punishment, and maybe you did, too, and this became the rallying cry, “talk with your kids! Explain! Don’t just say, ‘because I said so!’”

However, I see a lot of parents doing too much talking with their kids because they’re trying to persuade them with logic. For example, one of my parent clients once described her kids as sitting around on their phones while they cleaned the house without offering to help. When asked if they’d been assigned tasks, she said no, “but they saw how hard I was working, and I told them how nice it would be to get some help and that if they pitched in, we’d be done sooner.”

Take a moment to ask yourself - have I been trying to persuade my kid of why they should accept one of my recommendations or requests? Are they buying what I’m selling? Because those kids were not buying what their mom was selling. With a lack of clear requests, they were exercising the permission they’d implicitly been given to not participate.

Kim Golding, a Canadian child psychologist, talks about the “two hands of parenting”: boundaries and connection. Kids need clarity around roles and responsibilities, and they need affection and care. Sometimes we confuse authoritarian parenting with authoritative parenting; on some level we fear that if our children haven’t accepted our perspective, we’re doing it wrong. But of course they’re not going to accept your perspective! The part of their brain with the most “adult” skills doesn’t stop growing until they’re 25! Of course they don’t agree with you!

This may seem counterintuitive, but when we insist on only talking about things with our kids, we often talk around and around the issue in a way that can be unhelpful to their self-concept. “Nice kids would help their Mom… if you loved me you would… I can’t believe you’re not going to….” It leaves space for us to get upset with them, where plainly stating needs and supporting them in getting them done reduces conflict. 

You might have heard that giving kids choices can help them feel empowered; this works really well with littles! Clear expressions of boundaries may be, “Kiddo, you need to wash your hair because that’s how we take care of our bodies. You can do it in the shower or the bath, and here’s how we’re going to make it more comfortable, because yes, it feels uncomfortable for you.”  

Agreements and following through are part of being human! Support your kids by accepting that they don’t accept your logic, and bring the “argy bargy” talking down and increase the clarity around requests.