Parenting with PACE: The Ingredients for Secure Attachment
When you dream of parenting, you probably don’t dream you’ll type “is my toddler a sociopath” into a search engine, but some of us been there. We’re bewildered - how can we love so much and put in so much work, and still find ourselves feeling like we could be doing more? Parenting broadens and deepens the range of our emotional experience - it can introduce us to the most profound sense of purpose, but also offer us lows our child-free selves couldn’t anticipate.
I’ve found greater ease in parenting with an approach supportive of attachment - the bonds between humans - that are helpful in any relationship. PACE - Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy - is a philosophy that can strengthen any relationship. This blog series introduces the concept and provides the rationale and practical approaches for each principle.
Understanding PACE Parenting
At its core, each element of PACE supports the conditions for connection. For example…
Playfulness: Every relationship needs moments of levity, ease and joy. PACE parenting encourages the inclusion of playfulness and joy in everyday interactions with your child. Shared moments of laughter and playfulness contribute to an emotionally safe environment.
Acceptance: When was the last time you appreciated being told your perspective was wrong? A non-judgmental acceptance of your child’s thoughts, emotions, and experiences shows respect for their autonomy and experience. (Note: acceptance doesn’t mean approval! We’ll go deeper into this in another article, but you can accept they find their sibling annoying in a moment, even if you don’t approve of their hands-on method for communicating it.)
Curiosity: While we sometimes know exactly what’s going on (kid got frustrated and threw something), we often respond reactively. Genuine curiosity about your child’s world pumps the breaks on reactivity and invites both of you to examine experience with a less judgmental lens.
Empathy: Empathy and acceptance go hand in hand. Again, empathy isn’t approval of behaviour, but it is acknowledging that to be human is to have difficult feelings. That can be really hard sometimes. If you want anyone, including your child, to open up to you, empathizing is key.
The Roots of PACE Parenting
PACE was developed by two psychologists leading in the realm of child psychology and attachment: Dan Hughes and Kim Golding.
Dan Hughes has dedicated his career to understanding and transforming the lives of children with attachment issues, including children in care and adoptive families. Kim Golding has made remarkable contributions to attachment theory and trauma-informed care.
Their shared passion for helping children and families led to the creation of PACE parenting, a revolutionary concept that’s touched countless lives.
Building a Secure Parent-Child Relationship
At the heart of PACE parenting lies the establishment of a secure and connected parent-child relationship. This relationship serves as the cornerstone for a child’s development. Through the PACE approach, parents and caregivers can build this secure foundation, resulting in improved communication, emotional bonding, and an environment in which children can flourish.
Future posts will explore practical applications of PACE and the importance of each ingredient, as well as real life success stories. If you have any questions or shares, we’d love to hear them in the comments.
