Two Strategies for Better Connection in Your Marriage
If you feel distant from your partner, you’ve got a lot of company out there in the world. Over time or under the duress of parenting, work and other competing priorities, even loving partnerships can become - maybe not hostile - but disconnected. I believe that thriving adult partnerships are built on a foundation of shared emotional investment, clearly communicated agreements, and cultivating rewarding experiences alongside skills for the tougher stuff. In this post, I’m “cutting to the chase” and cruising past my couples therapy philosophy to share two practical strategies specifically designed to strengthen your partnership.
The Daily Deposit - Investing in Connection through Small-yet-Meaningful Shared Moments
At the speed that most of us are living, it’s easy to go through the work week without really talking with your partner. Sure, you might speak with them, but if it’s superficial, focused on planning, and never includes physical or eye contact, it’s not enough to develop your bond. Every couple needs to genuinely connect for 10-15 minutes a day and how you do it should be an agreement you make together. Some experts say that it should be a more focused conversation, but I’m of the perspective that what matters to connection is speed, depth and presence. In this case, that means slowing down, depth over superficial, and mindfulness instead of distraction. Connection can be through touch, shared experience, conversation, etc, but it’s the qualities of the experience that matters.
Here are some ideas, depending on your needs and preferences…
A Cuddle Meditation: Quiet cuddling without distractions (i.e. phones, kids, etc). Simply lie on each other or next to each other with some contact, close your eyes and breathe together.
Back, Hand or Foot Rubs: There’s a world of physical intimacy and giving each other some much needed loving touch could be it.
Roses and Thorns: Each of you takes a turn sharing your day’s high (rose) and low (thorn) while the other listens and doesn’t offer to solve the problem solve.
15 Minutes of Yoga: Sharing space as you put on a short, sweet yoga class together.
Why it works: Without meaningful connection, we can end up feeling more like coworkers or roommates. Meaningful connection supports your commitment to being a team amid life’s challenges.
The Safe Haven - Agreements for Communication and Conflict
Without agreements for how to handle conflict, many of us do damage when we express our needs or navigate disagreement. Especially if your relationship’s communication style is characterized by avoidance or “coming up to come down” (i.e. blow ups before resolution), you need to zoom out and make some agreements for “rules of engagement” when you’re not in the midst of disagreement. Here are some suggestions for skillful communication…
Agreements for skillful communication:
No raised voices - If volume is escalating, there’s an agreement to take a break and circle back later.
Taking breaks when overwhelmed - Whether you raise your voice or not, making statements like “I am struggling to talk about this without getting really angry, so let’s come back to this after dinner.”
Agree when you’ll come back to it - FYI, you can’t just say “I can’t do this!”, walk away and call it skillful. The person feeling overwhelmed needs to voice when they think they’ll be able to come back to it and the other agrees. (It’s my experience that this is usually shorter than you’d think.)
Practicing skillful communication - Check out this other piece on the components of skillful communication that fosters connection and reduces misunderstandings. If these suggestions feel impossible or unrealistic, this is territory for couples therapy. We’re happy to help.
Why it works: Agreements help increase feelings of security and trust by clarifying how you’ll navigate challenges together. They’re effectively saying, “Our relationship matters more than being right.”
Yes, this couples’ therapist is only offering two strategies
There are only two strategies here because what you’ll notice is that they are both agreements - clearly communicated, compromised, and intentional - and they require practice over time. In relationships, we learn through experience not knowledge. What every skillful couples therapist knows is that emotion regulation and feeling secure in ourselves and our relationships can arise from some intellectual exploration, but the shared experience of openness, empathy and collaboration that fosters closeness. Sure, are there ten strategies you could find to bring you and your partner closer together? The internet has millions! But unless you commit to doing them collaboratively, they’re just more content. Start small and manageable, be consistent, and I suspect you’ll be surprised.
