For Teens and Parents: What “Developing Brain” Actually Means
Teen emotions can be frightening, but science and empathy can help
If I had a nickel for every joke my Dad made about the teenage brain, I'd be wealthy… even with inflation. Parents often joke about this but may not fully understand what it means for their kids and their relationships. In my therapy practice in west Ottawa, I work with both teenagers and parents, and I've heard both sides. I'm speaking to both of you here - parents, no need to hide this from your teens. And teenagers… you might only be reading this because your parent suggested it. But either parent or teen, there’s important information here for you.
Your Brain is Working Really Hard; No Matter What Anyone Says
In puberty and adolescence, the brain undergoes the most significant changes of your life, particularly in the prefrontal cortex - the area we associate with a lot of what it means to be a mature adult - decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation. This growth doesn’t complete until about the age of 25, and as puberty revs up, teens’ brains experience “the maturity gap.” This gap is the discrepancy between the high intensity of their emotional reactions (processed largely in their amygdala) and insufficient development in the prefrontal cortex to help them make sense of their experiences.
What Teens Need to Know: It’s not you; you’re not defective or crazy. Your emotions are real, but their volume is exaggerated. Even without therapy or much else, things will eventually settle down and your feelings will be more “right sized.”
Tip for Parents: Your teen is probably freaked out by their feelings at times, too. They need you to stay calm and warm when they can’t. Practice patience and perspective. Try to remember that impulsivity and emotional outbursts aren’t a sign your kid is morally impoverished - they’re part of normal brain development. (Remember all those unnecessary thoughts you had about ‘is my toddler a socio-path?’ - It’s like that!)
Unfortunately, Middle School Set the Stage
Broadly speaking, grade 7 is the most challenging grade. You’re not top of the school yet and still have a year to go, there’s an expectation you’ll be friendly with all 30 people in your class, you’re often too young for a job, but are constantly told what you’re too old for, and here’s the big one: emotional dysregulation in the teenage brain peaks at 13. (Feel free to go search for that one and come back if you don’t believe me.)
What this can mean for the parent/teenager relationship is that there have been some experiences - outbursts, hiding behaviour, avoidance, fights, clinging to certain friends or outcomes - that introduced you and your teen to this stage.
What Parents Need to Know: All human brains are wired for negativity - that means that “bad” memories and experiences are stickier than “good” ones. Our brain/bodies also react faster and more strongly to memories that have a “here we go again” thought to them. This means that your brain is chugging out more stress hormones faster when you encounter a teenager’s heightened emotions and struggle to stay calm. Try to keep this in mind and check in with yourself as to how you’re doing, because your teen could be maturing and changing… but your brain is still reacting to those first few negative experiences.
Tip for Teens: You want more freedom, you may want more privilege, but your parents are struggling with your requests or flat out denying them. Choose times to speak with your parents that are calm and relaxed - never a time where you’re in a hurry - and keep these questions in your back pocket: If I want to _____ and you’re not willing to let me, do you know what I’d need to show you to earn it? (If it’s still not going well, sometimes therapists can help their teen clients navigate tricky conversations with parents.)
It’s Not Forever and It’s Not All Bad
Understanding what the "developing brain" truly means can reframe the way we approach dysregulation and the parent-teen relationship. When we recognize that teens' emotional outbursts and impulsivity are natural outcomes of their brain's growth - not signs of defiance or moral decrepitude - we can respond with greater patience and empathy. This period of heightened reactivity is also a window of opportunity: their brains are primed for learning, connection, and growth. By offering guidance, modelling calm regulation, and staying emotionally available, you’re not just surviving the teen years; you’re shaping the neural pathways that will support their emotional health for a lifetime.
by Kathryn Anne Flynn
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