Trauma Therapy Isn’t Just “Telling Your Story”
There’s a popular conception of trauma therapy simply “telling your story,” perhaps an extension of the popular misconception that therapy is simply “talking it through.” To be sure, even the thought of sharing one’s trauma out loud with another human can be daunting or triggering; however, trauma therapy neither pivots on nor requires it. It’s easy to assume that healing means diving headfirst into the depths of your past when you’re also aware that avoiding those corners of your mind is your main coping strategy.
This belief - trauma therapy is simply about “telling your story” - can make people sufficiently hesitant to seek support, fearing that the process will be overwhelming or re-traumatizing. I want to clarify that many trauma therapists, including those of us at The Wren Centre, take a different approach. Let’s clarify some misconceptions on trauma symptoms and this belief that it’s “talking about it”.
Why People Might Think Trauma Healing is “Telling Your Story”
For many individuals with trauma experiences, there is not just a survival response to thoughts or memories associated with the trauma perpetuating avoidance of a story, there is often shame. The feelings of shame typically arise from what happened before or after the instances of trauma - whether the trauma was an acute, specific instance or a slow drip of instances over time. Shame can arise from what an individual believes they should or shouldn’t have done, rumination on how they believe they could have done things differently, or how they were spoken to, treated or received in their vulnerability by others. Perhaps because of this awareness, we conceptualize sharing as equivalent to processing trauma and overcoming shame.
Avoidance Isn’t Unhelpful … Until It Is
For many people with trauma experiences, this is simply not the case. Avoidance is an effective coping strategy when you do not have the capacity to approach yourself and what happened with sufficient compassion, regulation, and understanding. Avoidance is an effective coping strategy when you do not have informed support (such as trauma-informed therapy) and sharing risks a further entrenching of shame and nervous system activation. Avoidance is an effective coping strategy in the aftermath of trauma - there is evidence that “telling your story” increases the harm caused by events when those who experienced the trauma are asked/encouraged/mandated into “telling their story” in the aftermath.
In fact, most individuals seeking trauma therapy require support in the process to recognize that their responses were helpful, adaptive and the best they could do in the situation and in the time or years afterward. Most folks accumulate shame and frustration at not being able to feel or do differently because they do not realize that avoidance or other coping strategies were helpful, adaptive, and highly reasonable given the context.
Trauma Responses Aren’t “If You’ve Seen One; You’ve Seen Them All”
Avoidance of sharing is not the only symptom of trauma. In fact, many individuals find themselves obsessively or compulsively recounting their experiences, which can indicate unresolved trauma and not healing. Trauma manifests in diverse ways, shaped by the individual’s history, culture, socio-economic security, biology, and personality, and the nature of the traumatic experience. While some people avoid talking about their trauma to protect themselves from the pain, others might repetitively share their story without truly processing the emotional and physiological impact. Both behaviors are rooted in the same underlying challenge: the difficulty of fully integrating the trauma into a coherent, healed sense of self.
Why People Obsessively Retell Their Stories Without Healing
… keep reading below the images to find out.
Stuck in a Loop of Right Desire and Wrong Medicine (Hyperarousal):
Recounting the story over and over can be a sign of hyperarousal - a state where the nervous system is constantly activated and the individual never feels truly safe or relaxed.
Repetitive retelling can provide temporary catharsis in the moment - and the individual has a desperate thirst for relief - but they do not realize there’s an emotional charge to the trauma without resolution.
Seeking Validation or Understanding and Trauma-Bonded Friendships:
People may repeatedly share their story in an effort to meet the very human need to be understood, believed, or validated. While this is a natural need, it doesn’t necessarily equate to processing or healing the trauma itself because most people and the nature of most social relationships are insufficient “settings” to support processing. (This is why trauma therapy can be life changing for an individual even when they have meaningful, supportive relationships in their lives.)
Externalizing the story can becomes a way of seeking connection - and with the prevalence of trauma we can often find others who have unprocessed trauma and we unintentionally maintain our trauma responses by providing spaces to constantly revisit. Unfortunately this does not meet our needs, because it does not address the internal disconnection caused by trauma.
Cognitive vs. Emotional Processing - Your Body Needs to Feel Safe
Many folks can talk about their trauma intellectually and keep an arms-length from the emotional and somatic aspects of the experience. Since “talking about it” is so pervasive in our cultural understanding of trauma healing, an individual can have “talked about it” for decades with therapists or friends and still be playing out unhelpful behaviours or somatic reactions that actually have roots in their experiences.
Without addressing the physiological and emotional imprints of trauma in the nervous system, telling the story becomes an intellectual exercise rather than a pathway to integration and healing.
Avoiding Vulnerability and Maintaining Safety Through Distance:
In some cases, frequent storytelling - or making jokes about your trauma - may mask a deeper avoidance of the emotions and sensations associated with the trauma. Many of my clients with PTSD or CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), acknowledge they can joke about their trauma much more easily than they can experience moments that actually activate the trauma (which are also not one-size-fits-all).
By focusing on the narrative, individuals can steer clear of the dangerous feelings of embodied work, which can (and should) be met with trauma therapy that balances the activation of processing (i.e. activating the trauma response) with a framework for support and co-regulation.
Trauma as Identity:
For some individuals, the traumatic story becomes central to their identity. Retelling the story can affirm their experience, but it may inadvertently reinforce the trauma’s hold over their sense of self. Their identity seems to pivot on “what happened,” rather than being an element of their story. To be sure, many folks process their trauma and develop a meaningful relationship with their healing by helping others or de-stigmatizing the experience and providing inspiration or permission to others with similar experiences. It is also possible for individuals to not realize that they are sheltering in the good feelings generated by helping others and their trauma responses are showing up in other areas of their lives.
Healing Is More Than Telling or Avoiding the Story
Healing or processing trauma involves addressing the *whole* person - mind (identity, narrative, thoughts/memories), body (reactions, felt safety, regulation, hypervigilance), and emotions (grief, sadness, anger, shame, etc). Trauma therapy doesn’t need to begin with or even include “telling the story,” in fact it can focus on:
- Regulating the Nervous System: Clients are often in a state of hyperarousal, hypervigilance or shutdown to feel safe in their bodies and they have no felt concept of alternatives. It is not uncommon in our stressed out, over-stimulated world for many people to confuse pacification/numbing with a genuine relaxation response. Trauma therapy can use somatic techniques and support for individuals to start developing more of a spectrum from relaxed response > survival response.
- Building Internal Resources: Shifting from unhelpful coping skills to helpful coping skills requires a balance of resourcing (nervous system regulation) and thoughtful preparation to face the trauma’s impact without being overwhelmed. This process develops resilience and does not need to include “the story” to get started or continue. Many trauma therapists, including some of us at our west Ottawa therapy centre, integrate specific practices like Brainspotting, EMDR and somatic therapy to support our clients in processing trauma.
- Integrating The Story: When sufficient safety is established and the client feels ready, exploring the narrative with an eye toward meaning-making and empowerment, rather than re-traumatization, can be part of the trauma therapy process. For all clients, this means that they now sufficiently understand “the story’s” effect on their lived experience and relationships, feel empowered in their resilience, and can allow the story (and the stories about themselves) to change, evolve or become a part of their overall narrative. For each individual, how this shows up is different - for examples, some will experience an increase of their willingness to share more of their past with others and some will no longer experience the urge to share as frequently. You can see how part of what defines effective trauma therapy and processing is an increase in choice and a decrease in reactivity, helping the individual feel empowered and centred in themselves.
by Kathryn Anne Flynn, Registered Psychotherapist and The Wren Centre Director
If you would like to book a consultation to explore how therapy can support your trauma healing or to discover which of our trauma therapists may suit your needs best, please email us using the form below.
