Couples Therapy Should Be Re-Named “Relationship Education”
Whenever we do free consultations with couples who are not on the verge of war with each other, someone in the couple inevitably blurts out that “we don’t want to get a divorce!”. It’s natural to be a little nervous during any therapy consultation, but for couples therapy they can be a little more nervousness inducing because of the popular - but incorrect - impression that couples therapy is for a partnership in crisis. At the Wren Centre - our west Ottawa therapy clinic - we acknowledge the courage it takes to seek therapy as a couple and applaud it because we really wish more people would. If we renamed “couples therapy” as “relationship education,” maybe more folks would see it as a proactive choice that nurtures connection, improves communication, and supports both individuals in achieving their life goals - separately and together.
What Couples Therapy is Not:
Despite popular conception, couples therapy is not mediated arguing. Your therapist will direct session by guiding the process, interrupting as necessary, and inviting reflection, but this is true of all therapy. Popular conception seems to imagine couples therapists as milder versions of lawyers and that’s simply not true.
Couples therapy is not about finding out who’s right and who’s wrong. Let’s be real - this is how most of our parents’ modeled disagreement. You disagree to find out who is right and you definitely don’t want to be who is wrong. The counselling process teaches couples how to disagree constructively, because it’s an inevitable part of every relationship. (This is true whether you are frequently externalizing your disagreements or you never have them because one or both of you is avoidant.)
… only for couples on the brink. Yes - counseling is often used to come to terms with separation or navigate separation and divorce, and many of our clients come to couples therapy to build on a strong foundation of love and trust. No matter the stage of your relationship or marriage, couples therapy can be a profoundly supportive process that facilitates growth and healing for you as individuals and in partnership.
Our Perspectives on Working with Couples:
While the therapists at The Wren Centre have different perspectives and approaches to working with couples, we are united by a few beliefs:
1. The Partnership Lens: Therapy is about "we," not "me," which means “not me vs. you.” This mindset encourages partners to approach challenges as shared hurdles or puzzles rather than battles or debates to win.
2. Curiosity Over Criticism: We support our clients to adopt an attitude of curiosity - with you as an individual and for your partner’s inner world - rather than leading with judgment. (Again, super hard for those of us who had leading-with-judgment modeled by our parents!)
3. Compassionate Accountability: It can be true that you or your partner have hurt each other at different times in your relationship while also acknowledging your own role in the relationship’s challenges. When we’re hurt, we get protective and defensive, which makes this really difficult to do sometimes. Couples therapy helps you move through past hurts to actively participate in proactively shaping your relationship in the present.
Couples Therapists Can Provide…
Neutral guidance for learning communication strategies, overcoming unhelpful patterns and navigating the inevitable disagreements of relationships (that are a sign of being in a relationship; not relationship failure!)
A supportive space for identifying and conveying difficult-to-express emotions and requests. For example, many of our clients want to re-establish more emotional or physical intimacy in their relationship, but without communication support, doing so can feel insurmountable because it can be so vulnerable.
A guided process for creating an intentional relationship through identifying shared values, personal awareness and accountability, and prioritizing mutual respect and growth
Couples Therapy Should Be a Part of Every Relationship’s Path
Remember how people would say, “marriage is work! Relationships are work!”, but then the busyness of modern life buried our ability to do it? Couples therapy provides committed time, wise insights from the realm of psychology, attachment and relationships, and personalized guidance for your relationship, which is the kind of investment most relationships need and every relationship can benefit from. This process isn’t about perfection or mediation, but about showing up for each other with intention and care. Whether you are meeting for virtual sessions with your therapist or finding us in west Ottawa, at The Wren Centre, couples therapy is a partnership-focused journey where your relationship is the priority.
