What If My Teen Doesn’t Want to Go to Therapy?
Many parents experience a close relationship with their child or pre-teen, only to find themselves “on the outs” as their kid navigates puberty and teenage years. Your relationship with your teen can be confusing and frustrating, and when you see they may need support from outside sources, the next hurdle might be getting them there. We want to address a few things you should know when your teenage kid doesn’t want to go to therapy…
Understand Your Teen’s Resistance to Therapy
Children and teens may resist therapy for similar reasons, beginning with…
Fear of the Unknown: Therapy can be intimidating for adults, let alone youth, especially if they don’t know what to expect and they don’t have an adult who can validate their reticence with their own experiences of “pre therapy jitters.”
Stigma: They might fear being judged by their peers, family, or even you - even when parents are super supportive. Even though we’re making huge strides as a culture with messages like “mental health is health,” we have a long way to go. It’s highly possible they’ve internalized that going to therapy confirms their worst fears about themselves.
Lack of Trust: One of our awesome therapists, Lindsay Kiervin, likes to say to reluctant teens, “We just met; I don’t expect you to spill your guts to a stranger.” A trusting relationship with a therapist takes time no matter your age.
Fear Their Therapist is Their Parent’s Stooge: When teens resist therapy and their parents want them to go, there’s the potential worry that the therapist is just another adult who is going to tell them what their parents, teachers, and any other authority figures are already telling them. And that’s a pretty valid fear - no one wants to go to a meeting where the agenda is Everyone Here Tells You What to Do. We certainly wouldn’t want to go to that meeting!
Keep reading for how to help below…
Strategies for Supporting Your Teen in Therapy
Acknowledge What You Do and Don’t Know
Explain what therapy is and how it can help, and if you don’t know how to share, ask your therapist if you can have a Free Consultation first so the teen can meet them. Acknowledge to your teen that you can’t really answer what therapy is - if you can’t - but that you’re open to finding out together.
If you can’t share what therapy is, you may also want to help them identify their feelings and fears - what do they worry will happen?
Validate Their Feelings:
This is a vital skill in any relationship, and one we hate practicing! We all hate validating people’s feelings! We want them to not have them! For example, if a teen expressed resistance, we can imagine a parent saying things like…
“What’s not to like? You love talking about yourself.”
“It’s important for you to have someone safe to talk to! I wish I’d had that when I was your age!”
“Well I wish you’d talk to me, but since you won’t, I don’t know what else to do.”
Validating feelings might sound more like:
“I get nervous before I meet new people like that, too. New bosses, doctors, teachers, etc., - it can be a bit awkward.”
“I wouldn’t want to go to therapy with someone who was just going to tell me what to do either!”
Normalize Therapy and Learn How to Support Them
Share examples of well-known individuals who have openly discussed their positive experiences with therapy, and highlight for your kid that therapy is not a punishment but a way to support their well-being, just like their doctor.
Establish a routine around therapy, including being on time in a calm way. Try not to ask your kid what they talked about with their therapist in session, but you can ask them how it was and if there’s anything they need support with. Sometimes parents are more involved in therapy and sometimes not - it depends on the teen, family, and therapist.
Involve Them in the Process
If possible, involve your child in choosing their therapist. A sense of control can make them feel more comfortable.
Please reassure your child that you will not force them to go therapy and that you recommend trying a few sessions with their chosen therapist before making a decision to continue or discontinue. Let them know trial periods are really normal for every age of client/therapist relationship.
Be Open to Other Approaches
In the same way there’s lots of types of food, yoga, and cars - there’s lots of types of therapy. What’s most important is the relationship between client/therapist, but different types of therapy such as art therapy, play therapy, or integrating body-mind techniques, can be more engaging and appropriate.
You may also want to consider offering to participate yourself - sometimes involving the whole family in therapy can reduce the focus on the teen and make them feel more supported and open.
What should parents know before therapy?
Research supports that parents can reduce their teen’s resistance to therapy if….
Parental Involvement: Studies have shown that parental involvement and support can significantly enhance a child's engagement in therapy.
Choice and Autonomy: Allowing children to have a say in their treatment increases their willingness to participate and improves therapeutic outcomes.
Psychoeducation: Educating children about the process and benefits of therapy helps demystify it and reduces fear.
Practical Tips for Talking with Your Child or Teen About Therapy:
See Resistance as a Protective Shield: Resistance is often a protective mechanism rather than a negative behavior. Your child doesn’t want to feel and act the way they are, but on some level they are frightened - if you can shift your approach from frustration to empathy, they could be more open to therapy.
Manage Yourself in the Moment: Remember that parental modeling extends to how we speak to each other, express and cope with emotions, etc. Taking good care of yourself and using mindfulness or self-awareness and regulation techniques to stay calm and present when speaking with your teen is critical. This helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reactively when your child resists therapy.
Use Reflective Statements and Questions: Engage your child in conversations that help them reflect on their feelings and behaviors. This can help them gain insight into their resistance and feel more understood. Some helpful questions might be:
What do you think therapy is all about?
What worries you about going to therapy?
Do you feel judged when we encourage you to be open to therapy?
What kind of person would you like in a therapist?
Is there anything I could do - or stop doing - that would feel supportive to you?
When your child resists therapy, patience, compassion and persistence are key. By understanding their perspective, reassuring them you are not going to force them, but you are concerned, you can help them feel more comfortable and willing to engage in therapy.
As a therapy and counselling centre in west Ottawa, we meet with many parents and teens or children who have these same fears when they first come to therapy. Occasionally it means we postpone therapy until a time where the teen is more open and the parents are more able to be supportive, but most of the time we get through the worries to a productive, meaningful relationship.
Sources:
Kazdin, A. E. (2018). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. Oxford University Press.
Weisz, J. R., & Kazdin, A. E. (2017). Evidence-Based Psychotherapies for Children and Adolescents. Guilford Publications.
Comer, J. S., & Kendall, P. C. (2018). Child and Adolescent Therapy: Science and Art. Routledge.
