Supporting Your Kids through Divorce
Even if you believe your divorce to be relatively amicable and even when you know it’s the right thing to do, divorce is a challenging experience for families. As you navigate your own emotions of grief, anxiety or anger, you’re also worrying about your kids and the impact on them. As a therapy centre in west Ottawa working with children, teens, adults and families, we often work with parents and children navigating this life transition. Here we offer our insights and some evidence-based wisdom on what we believe supports children and parents.
Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Children
Just like the adults involved, divorce can cause a range of emotions in children, including sadness, anger, confusion, and anxiety. Just like adults, they can have a hard time understanding their feelings, which may manifest as behaviour changes, school struggles, or physical symptoms, like sore tummies. These reactions are normal and can help parents respond with empathy and patience. Remember the film Inside Out - how Joy realized that Sadness brought Mom and Dad closer to Riley? Consider this behaviour a natural response to the uncertainty and loss of what they know - pushing you away or longing you for to be closer are both normal reactions.
Children’s responses to divorce will vary based on their age, personality, and the circumstances surrounding the separation. Younger children are more likely to struggle with feelings of abandonment or to blame themselves for the divorce, while older children might experience anger or frustration towards one or both parents.
Age-appropriate, non-judgmental and open communication is key to helping children understand and process their emotions. By providing age-appropriate explanations and reassuring them of both parents' love and commitment, you can help your child feel more secure during this transition.
Strategies for Supporting Your Child
1. Open Communication without Judgment
If you encourage your child to express their feelings and listen with curiosity and kindness, you’re more likely to foster openness. If you correct their feelings - even unintentionally! - you’re passing judgment on their sharing. Try to empathize with the feelings BEFORE clarifying a misunderstanding. For example…
“I’m so sorry to hear you’re worried about that… I understand you might think that, but Mama and Papa were responsible for taking care of you. You didn’t cause the disagreements.”
Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Regular, honest conversations can help children process their feelings and reduce anxiety.
2. Provide Child-centred Reassurance and Clarity
Children often worry about the future after a divorce, but they worry about the future that’s important to them. Here are a few things they’ll need reassurance about…
Both parents remain their parent, even if they’re not married to each other anymore
Reassure them that the adults are going to sort things out and you’re going to do your best to make life easy
They will want to know about housing, bedrooms, school and activity changes, holidays, and pet locations (It may not be on your radar, but have a plan for important holidays and share it with the kids well ahead of time!)
They will need frequent, repeated reminders that the divorce is about the adults and it’s not their fault
3. Create a Stable Routine
Consistency and routine are good for adults AND children - they create a sense of stability and security by reducing uncertainty, forgetfulness, and hustling. Try to maintain a reasonably paced and regular schedule for meals, homework, and bedtime, regardless of where the child is staying.
(Side note: Creating a co-parenting plan and age-appropriate boundaries and routines is something a psychotherapist can help with! Having a therapist you and your ex are willing to work with can support transitions and re-visiting agreements through divorce and as kids age and needs change.)
4. Cooperate with Your Ex-Partner
While it may be challenging, working collaboratively with your ex-partner to co-parent effectively is crucial for your child's well-being - and we dearly wish every divorce mediator and lawyer would underline this fact and strongly recommend counselling as needed. Children suffer when parents…
Argue in front of their kids
Speak negatively or react negatively (eye-rolling, scoffing, etc) about the other parent
Blame the other parent for negative outcomes from the divorce to the children
Remember: you need to find a container and support network for your grieving and transition, but even if your ex is problematic, that’s still their parent. When you criticize a child’s other parent to them routinely, children develop an understanding that the part of them who is like that parent (biologically or behaviorally) is “bad.” Protect your children from your anger or rage; get the support you need to speak appropriately about your ex.
5. Seek Professional Support
Sometimes, children may need additional support to navigate their emotions and grieve the new family arrangements. They may feel protective of one or both parents and not be honest about their feelings or struggle to understand them. Consider seeking the help of a child therapist who specializes in family issues. Therapy can provide a safe space for children to explore their feelings, develop coping strategies for the tough transitions of divorce, and lay a foundation for healthful emotional expression that serve them long term.
Tricky Moments for Parents
When They Ask Difficult Questions
Children may have many questions about the divorce and some of them could be very tricky for you to answer because you don’t have the answer yet or you’re trying to answer in a child appropriate manner. Answer their questions as honestly and age-appropriately as possible. For example, if they ask why the divorce is happening, you might say, "Sometimes, parents can't work out their problems and decide it's best to live apart, but this doesn't change how much we both love you."
Before you offer more information, pause to let them think and respond - parents have a habit of over-explaining without checking in if the response they provided is enough.
Handling Parental Conflict
It’s natural for conflicts to arise during and after a divorce. However, shielding your child from these conflicts is essential. Children can be particularly sensitive to tension and may feel caught in the middle. If conflicts escalate, consider mediation or family counseling to navigate disagreements constructively.
Supporting Children’s Emotional Needs
Kids (like adults!) benefit from creative outlets like drawing, writing, or playfulness to express their emotions; this can be part of family time or therapy. Encouraging these activities can help children process their feelings in a non-verbal way.
Being available to your kids - even not to talk, but to regulate (i.e. restful time where you’re actually present), spend time together in nature, and bond are essential parts of supporting them. That’s true of life, but especially true of this transition.
Life Grows Around Grief - Take a Long Perspective
Just like your grief and understanding of your relationship’s end, your child’s feelings and perspective on divorce is an ongoing process. It’s important to monitor their emotional well-being and be available for discussions even as time passes. Children may revisit their feelings about the divorce at different stages of development - even adulthood! - and being open and supportive throughout these stages is crucial.
Most importantly: the love and care you provide will be the most critical factor in helping your child adjust and thrive.
If you're interested in learning more about how our team approaches working with children or teens through divorce, reach out to our team. We routinely work with parents (together or separately) going through divorce and their kids; we’re to help as you need.
